Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"