There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.