It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie