There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!
The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.
It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.
The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.
My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.
The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.
A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.
(by Annabel Sheila)
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.