There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)