"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.
Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.
I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(Andrew Jefferson)
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.