Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"
Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.
Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!
Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!
I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!
– Kelly Roper
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:
Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod
Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!
'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!
It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!
Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.