Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.