My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.
Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.
Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.
Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
Knock knock.
Come in.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.
Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.
I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(By Andrew Jefferson)
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.