There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”