Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
"Did You Notice"
Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.