Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"
Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.
The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.
Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!
Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.
My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.
Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."
– Graham Craven
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
"The Legs Are Last To Go"
Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know
“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”
She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show
The legs are last to go
The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go
Her legs were last to go.
– Mike Gentile
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."