The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.
But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.
Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.
- by Samiya Vallee
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.