When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.