An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.