People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.