Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.
Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!
And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!
- Max Scratchamnn
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.