It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.