The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.