Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"
Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.
Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!
Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!
I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!
– Kelly Roper
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
"I Hate Peanut Butter"
These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!
– Innarenko
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.