How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!