A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.