Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.
But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.
Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.
- by Samiya Vallee
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.