My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.