Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.

This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.

Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.

I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.

Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.

What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?

Have it killed and then cran-bury it.

What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.

When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.

Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.

There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.

There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.

An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.

There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.

It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.

I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.

Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.

Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!

A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."

It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.

"Put Up With Me"

I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!

– Holly Giffers

I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.

My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.

My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.

He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!

- Denise Rodgers

What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing

It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.

How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.

I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!

If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.

Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.

Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.

How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.

"My Missing Shoe"

I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?

A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.

Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.

"My Cat Is Fat"

I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.

Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.

So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.

– James McDonald

Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.