For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison