What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
(Amos Russel Wells)
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.
She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.
She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.
Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.
So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.
This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.
So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.
But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!
You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.
(Aaron M. Delao)
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.