Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

"Whenever I See"

Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.

Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.

My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.

The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.

It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.

Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.

Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.

How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.

"Grandparent Rap"

It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."

So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!

Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.

Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.

What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.

What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.

Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.

What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"

And optimist says "sure they can!"

There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.

My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.

(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)

Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.

There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.

I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia

What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.

What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?

One baked with May-flour.

What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.

My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.

There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'

Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.

Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.

How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?

Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.

There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.

I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.

"Granny"

Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)

All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)

It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!

– Spike Milligan

The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.