I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.