I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"