Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.
Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!
And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!
- Max Scratchamnn
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.