What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
You know what they say? Words.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.