Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.