Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed
In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn
He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate
In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved
As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided
What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score
Now one hundred and forty-nine years
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.