Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”