What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)