How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
"If I Were In Charge Of The World"
If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.
If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.
If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.
If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.
– Judith Viorst
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.