Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.
Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.
Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.
Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.
(M. Tarun Prasad)
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Knock knock.
Come in.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!
(by Robert Z)
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.