How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
Knock knock.
Come in.
If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.
If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.
If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.
If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.
All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.
(By Beryl L Edmonds)
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.