It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."