I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.

That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!

Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.

What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!

It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.

It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.

The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.

I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."

Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.

Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.

(By John P. Read )

It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.

Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?

Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

"I Love to Hate You"

Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!

— Jan Allison

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.

When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.

Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.

Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?

I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.

It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.

I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.

Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.

How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.

It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.

Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.

A Poem by a Cat

I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.

What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.

It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.

This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.

There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.

Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.

There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.

Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.

Chuck Norris' email address:
Gmail@chucknorris.com

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana

"My Eyes"

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.

Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.

What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh

(Anonymous)

A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"

Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.