"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
(Amos Russel Wells)
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."