If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?