What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
You know what they say? Words.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.