What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.
Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!
And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!
- Max Scratchamnn
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.