Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.

Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.

Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.

Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."

I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.

Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.

How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.

A hard thing about a business is minding your own.

"I Have a Little Frog"

I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!

In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.

(Ray Gridley)

What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.

There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.

"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.

Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"

Little Johnny: "Big hands!"

What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.

It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.

I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat

(Colleen Laforme)

My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.

Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.

You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.

What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.

The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.

Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.

(Anonymous)

I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."

A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”

A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?

Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.

Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)

Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.

Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!

A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."

I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.