If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.