What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.