What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
