What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.