A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"