What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.