What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.