How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.