Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"