How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.