What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
You know what they say? Words.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Knock knock.
Come in.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”