What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
You know what they say? Words.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.