Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Knock knock.
Come in.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
You know what they say? Words.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.