What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.