How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
You know what they say? Words.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
