Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Knock knock.
Come in.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
You know what they say? Words.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.