What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
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