If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
"My Shadow"
I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.
– Robert Louis Stevenson
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
I think, therefore I’m single.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
You know what they say? Words.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
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