Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Go to BabaMail
