There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.