There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.
“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”
“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!
(Robert Graves)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
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