There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.