What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
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