When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson